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Celebrating Life Everyone Has A Story... |
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Pam Vetter November 13, 2007 |
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When you ask 79-year-old Teresa Barrett about her funeral plans, she wants to talk about it. "I don't want my kids spending a lot of money. I'm going to write it all down. I want to be buried next to my husband. I want everyone to share my stories and remember that I loved to dance. My husband and I were good dancers. And, I want Elvis Presley played at the service. I really like him, especially the song, 'Love Me Tender.' Maybe 'Amazing Grace,' can be played, too. Then, I want a party with a good meal and a couple of drinks for everyone," Barrett explained with a smile in her voice. Clearly, with Barrett's energy, she's not ready to go any time soon, but she has no fear of dying. She is making her plans for a reason because it's important to discuss her wishes before the time comes. Barrett has dealt with her own loss and knows the importance of being prepared and involved. Barrett firmly believes in family involvement because she's faced it before. "I have the place picked out for my burial. I know the cemetery plot because my husband, two of my babies, and my son are all buried there," Barrett said. "I lost two babies prematurely. There was no neonatal care then. The babies lived a couple of days but the hospital didn't bring the babies to me. I never saw them. It was a different time 50 years ago. Then, I was not a part of those two funeral services for my babies. My husband thought he was sparing me the pain, but I needed to be involved. Their names were Mary and Joseph." To heal from those losses, Barrett started writing in a journal, but dealing with silent grief was so hard. "My husband didn't want me to talk about it, he didn't know how to deal with it. So, I went into a deep depression. Finally, my friends came to see me and get me going again," Barrett said. "I talked about it with my friends. I needed to talk about my loss. They came every day at lunchtime and that support was so important because they listened. We had a special group." Barrett then lost her husband to lung cancer in 1982 and six weeks later, she lost her 19-year-old son, Martin, to a car accident. "I knew my husband was going to die, but when my son died, well, the undetaker came to the house again. I thought, 'This can't be happening. I just went through this.' It was like it was a dream. Reality wasn't there. I was depressed and tried grief groups but they didn't help. I went to church, but it made me cry. I started writing letters to them and it turned out to be the best therapy to write to them about my life, my day's events, and vacations, with a 'wish you were there,' sort of message," Barrett said. "Grief sticks with you. It's been 25 years and I think about them every day. I'm very fortunate to have my kids. They really got me back on track, got me going again after my son died. They made me go to the grocery store again. I cried while shopping, but they got me up and going. Now I tell them, 'You'd better call me,' and they do. I still have my bad days, though. On November 9th, I will celebrate my son's birthday. It's important for me to remember him." Barrett has attended many funerals over the years. "I go to funerals to pay my respects, but they play the same hymns over and over and over again. I don't want that. I want Elvis Presley and I've told my kids. He's my favorite," Barrett explained. "No cremation for me. Instead, I want a burial next to my husband. I believe you have to have a marker that you can visit so you can have closure. I have three children there and my husband," Barrett said. "I still cry that I wasn't part of the services for my babies, but I understand that my husband didn't know what I needed. I want families to know they need to be involved to start moving forward. Family and friends need closure through a funeral. You find a way to move forward. I remember my losses every day of my life. For my babies, they're little angels waiting for me. They're with my son and with my husband for now." Barrett is grateful for the life she's lived and the many decades she's enjoyed lunches with her friends. "I live in reality and I know it's OK to laugh again. I have my lunches with my girfriends and we have a cocktail. We smile and we remember. It's important for us to talk and listen to each other. I tell everyone, if I could, I'd dance again with my husband. We were really good dancers," Barrett adds. "I want people to know that it's so important to talk about death. We shouldn't keep it hidden like a secret inside. That doesn't help anyone. You have to find a way to keep moving forward and talking about it will help when the time comes." In fact, her daughter, Cathie Barrett Taylor, will be prepared for that day. For now, she listens to her mother's plans. "I'd rather know her wishes than not. She started talking about her plans when my dad and brother died. She was 54 when she became a widow. It wasn't easy. Now, when she brings it up, she interjects it in a kind of funny way. She gave me a booklet for the Mass and circled the songs she liked. She wants butterflies on her memorial folder," Taylor explained. "I'm the oldest and I'm going to write it down because it's important to her. It's also important for us to know. She loves Elvis. So, we will play Elvis to honor her wishes, whatever she wants I listen. It will make it easier when the time comes."
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